A Heavy Lunch [Hange]

[Petra Ral]

No matter the reason, if they were going outside of the walls, it was to be expected that there would, in fact, be some death that they all had to deal with. That was the part Petra would never be able to get used to, but she had come to accept such as fate. People getting eaten by the jaws of those awful, horrendous creatures was only the start of it, anyway - the fact that they kept humanity corralled like some sort of livestock animal was what got to her the most. Why was it that they were brought into this vast, beautiful world but were confined to these circular walls? Such a thing made Petra confused, angry and distraught, but that was the very reason she had joined the Scouts in the first place. Even though her lifetime might not be enough to change anything, she would gladly join the fight, no matter the cost. 

With all of that aside, the young woman still felt sick to her stomach with the irony scent of blood filling the air. Those that had become familiar faces in the Scout Regiment had been devoured, one by one, crushed to death by vile, yellowed teeth. Once one took in the scent of a titan's breath, then there was absolutely no erasing it from ones memory. It was absolutely wretched in every single way possible. What made it the worst was how distinct it was; Petra felt as though she could pick it out anywhere if given the opportunity.. Not that she wanted that in a million years. 

Her and her Squad had taken a break with the rest of the regiment - they were in a moderately safe place, so they figured it was a good of time as any to let the horses drink, eat and rest. Petra would be lying if she said she felt perfectly safe whenever they had to do this, but then again, ever since the downfall of their first wall, no place has been safe. With knowledge of the sixty-meter and armored titans, there was no sleeping easy - at this stage, Petra was certain she had forgotten what it felt like to get a decent night's rest. 

But such came with the territory. She was excellent at convincing herself of aspects such as that. If she had a reason to call something normal or acceptable, then she would do everything in her power to make it so - Petra absolutely despised feeling discomfort due to things being too awful. For someone in her position, that was probably such an odd trait about her. 

The Scout held up the bucket of oats for her horse, smiling and petting her with a loving expression. She waited for her companion to finish before setting the wooden bucket down; with an announcement to the others that she would take a quick walk to stretch her legs, the elite began to be on her lonesome way. There were a few select times where Petra simply needed to be alone to process her thoughts. The trees brought her comfort, but he still had that scent looming in her olfactory senses, almost causing the back of her tongue to experience a taste. The Scout wanted to vomit right then and there, but she took in a deep breath and sighed it out, deterring her thoughts from it. 

Petra took to leaning her back up against one of the many trees, the bark rough against her uniform. Her arms moved into a crossed position, though her fingers were grasping at either forearm in an almost defensive stance; yeah... 

This part never got easy.    

[Hange Zoë]

I took a journey to the unknown. And i came back changed. i can feel it in my bones. = HANGE ZOË =

Casualties were always a risk of venturing outside the Walls. A danger that each and every one of them assumed the minute they flooded out of those gates. No one knew when their time would come at the indiscriminate hands of the Titans, but one thing was for certain: death came for them all. That was why she was so hungry for answers, so eager to go against what was conventional if it meant something meaningful could come out of it. She could care less if others saw her as sadistic or crazed, she had to unlock at least some of the secrets of this world before she kicked the bucket. Loss never came easily for Hange. It pained her deeper than she would ever let on; each death taking a silent bite out of her oversized heart. With much effort, she had trained herself to deal with the finality of death, but with each soldier that had to be returned to their families in bits and pieces, she only put more pressure on herself. Only those who were truly close to the scientist knew the incredible weight she put on her own shoulders, and frankly researching the Titans was an endeavor only she was quirky enough to take on. What remained of the Scout Regiment’s most recent victims had already been shrouded beneath bloodstained sheets and loaded into the carts with the wounded. In the meantime, the brown haired squad leader was taking the time to retrieve what armbands she could to assure that they were properly returned to their loved ones. It was a heartbreaking task, but one she almost always took upon herself. Somehow it was just that much more meaningful to have a piece of the person to bring home; to show that they would be remembered. That their loss was not insignificant. Thus far she had collected three of the blood spattered decorations from the field, looping them around her forearm as she wandered on foot with her rich chestnut-colored mare cantering lazily alongside her. She had her goggles flipped up onto her forehead as she scribbled the names of the owners into an old, tattered notebook that she always kept with her. There were no body parts left to be buried with these individuals, but at least she knew their names, squad, and rank from the armbands. At least in spirit they could be put to rest. She had been acutely focused on the task at hand, at least until her horse gave a gentle whinny to make her aware of the bystander that was not far away. Hange paused, her thoughtful expression leveling to a tree several meters away. She squinted for several long seconds, the world being blurry without the use of her lenses before she remembered to pull her goggles back down over her eyes. That’s right, they weren’t just for show. She was actually relatively blind without the help of her glasses, hence why she had fashioned a special pair that would not fly off her face in the midst of combat. Even with the added benefit of her goggles, she scarcely noticed that someone was taking shelter behind the thick trunk of the tree. Rather than ignore it and be on her way, Hange stuffed her notebook into her pocket and unpursed her lips. She was careful not to startle the individual as she made her approach, making herself known with the sound of her horse’s hooves as well as her own footfall as they shifted within the grass. “Yoohoo~” she cooed lightheartedly, an infectious smile immediately taking over her features the moment her greeting rolled off her tongue. Only when she came closer did she notice the straw-colored hair, having little trouble matching the face to the name. Hange spoke up, pleasantly surprised, “Oho, Petra! What in the world are you doing all the way out here?” ( TAGGED » Petra Ral // NOTES » -Hugs for Petra! ;~;- ♥♥♥  )

CREATED BY SEADRA OF WICKED WONDERLAND

[Petra Ral]

Her own world was a place that many identified as their happy sanctuary, a destination that one could reach within their own mind. It was meant to be a great place, a calm and thoughtful place that housed no danger - Petra's had been ultimately uprooted from her a very long time ago. She wasn't the only one, however; every single person within the Scout Regiment that had faced up against these thoughtless bastards didn't remember what a happy place felt like. As much as that was tragic, it also came with the territory and had to be accepted. For humanity to fight back and actually have a chance at figuring out what these beasts really were, they had to abandon the amenities and pleasantries for the sake of the cause. Perhaps by doing this, they would ultimately win the war, but...

There was only so much that these people, including herself, could take. Hell was a place for the damned, not for the innocents.

Yoohoo~

The noise brought her back from the depths of her own mind, her head shaking a few times to fully snap herself out of it. Such an aspect about herself was best left forgotten, but she knew that it would be raging full force yet again when she was laying her head down to sleep for the night. It was inescapable, at best.

The voice was identified rather quickly, the face of the source helping to seal the deal in her thought processes. A weak smile appeared on Petra's face, her arms hesitantly falling to her side as she regained her usual composure and posture. She was an elite, she couldn't allow anyone to see her in the state she was currently in. Was.. Was that a sense of pride? Damn, she thought that had been abominated quite a long time ago - in a way, it was slightly refreshing. Odd.

"Hi, Captain." She forced that smile to widen in the slightest of ways, albeit it was a hard thing to accomplish - quite a feat that she got anywhere with it at all. How could she smile when warm bodies were dropping in temperature only a few short yards away in their return wagons? How could she allow herself to feel happiness or joy when there were families that were going to be ultimately devastated in only three to four hours time? It made her nauseous in a strange fashion - she had to force herself to swallow it down, just like her plastic smile. She hoped with all of her might that Captain Hange didn't see right through it or simply didn't care enough to mention it.

"I.. I thought it would be best to take a walk." Petra's tone surely showed that she wasn't doing all that great. Her gaze averted to the ground for a moment, a few strands of her hair escaping from behind her ears to fall in front of her face. Her shoulders moved in the formation of a sigh, the warm breath leaving her slowly. "I suppose I needed to get away for a few minutes. Has the Commander decided when he's ready to move again?"

[Hange Zoë]

I took a journey to the unknown. And i came back changed. i can feel it in my bones. = HANGE ZOË =

The girl that belonged under Levi’s supervision was not someone whom Hange knew closely, but she supposed that was her own fault. It was one of the downsides to the dedication she poured into her research. She really did not allow herself all that much of a social life, even when it came to her fellow soldiers. But, over the years, she had always perceived Petra as a young woman with a strong heart. A very capable, bright and promising light within the midst of the darkness foreshowed by the constant threat of the Titans. Petra’s fragile smile did not go unnoticed by the squad leader who picked up on the shift in the energy surrounding them. She allowed her long legs to carry her with much more restraint, sobering her seemingly boundless energy so as to not shatter the already brittle air. In a moment, she had closed the gap between them, taking her place in standing next to her subordinate. "I.. I thought it would be best to take a walk.” Her brows rose then fell in unspoken concern, using her refined senses to process the cues that were being entrusted to her. The blonde’s voice betrayed her the most; so delicate and so tragically sad that it pierced through Hange effortlessly. The pair of brown eyes softened from beneath the thick lenses set in her goggles. Was this the toll that death took on her? The scientist could remember in vivid detail the woman she had been before the tantalizing secrets of the Titans started to whisper to her—she was not so different back then. Death moved her to do harsh things to herself, shredding up and wounding her soul each time she was forced to shoulder that burden alone. But surely Petra could not hope to sit here and try to digest that swarm of emotions all by herself? The mere thought seemed to give her some pause, mulling over the small chance that this was how the young scout preferred things to be. Her unfamiliarity with her was a bit of a crutch, but if Hange could trust in one thing, it was her ability to read others. She was not about to stand here and allow this sweet girl to torture herself. Perhaps she was quirky, even admittedly emotional and strange, but she was never guilty of not caring for her comrades. When she had inquired about Erwin’s plans that was when Hange extended a careful yet firm hand. Exhibiting utmost gentleness, she brought her palm onto Petra’s shoulder, her warm gaze boring into the girl knowingly, “I feel we will be moving back inside the Walls soon. But, there’s still some time while the wounded are being cared for if you do not mind that I join you.” Withdrawing her hand, her comforting smile came so naturally as it curled at the contours of her lips. Slowly, she retrieved the armbands of the fallen soldiers from beneath her green cloak, unwrapping them from her own forearm. The navy and silver of the Wings of Freedom caught in the sunlight and glared up into her face as she silently read over the names of the scouts that were embroidered within the fine silk. That was when she offered them to Petra slowly, “I always try to find something to bring home to the families... I keep a book of the names and I have not forgotten a single one that I’ve written. One hundred and fifty-three names without bodies to be buried. One hundred and fifty-three lives, and each time I add a few more. It seems never-ending; almost like I cannot get away from it. But…” Hange averted her gaze to look off across the field, the wind rustling through her chocolate hued tresses as she continued, “Never give up on what they sacrificed, Petra.” ( TAGGED » Petra Ral // ; )

CREATED BY SEADRA OF WICKED WONDERLAND

[Petra Ral]

It was almost.. Weird.. Having an authority figure talk to her so calmly about emotions. She had tried to have a conversation with Levi about the things that he felt, but he simply didn't understand it to the fullest yet, and she was aware it would take time, but Hange was so open about being upset. She had reached out and placed a hand on Petra's shoulder, and the contact was so calming to the Scout that she visibly relaxed. It wasn't a hidden fact about Petra that she enjoyed physical contact with others, but it wasn't something that she openly stated upon conversation either. The young woman smiled up to the higher up in the regiment, her gaze quickly falling back to the ground. Honestly, she was lost within her own thoughts even though there was another warm body right next to her. For a split second she wished that she was back by Levi's side - Petra always felt so much more confident when her placement was in that very position. This was, of course, a subconscious add-on; she would never actually think something she considered to be rather rude like that.

Petra blinked her chocolate eyes at the captain's next statement, finding a great deal of satisfaction knowing that there was someone who thought they would be departing soon, especially one that was so high up in the regiment's rankings. Hange was a person that was deserving of a great deal of respect, so the things that she said could be taken quite literally - she could go on and on about her titan research, but honestly, that wasn't too much of a bad thing. She was trying with all of her might to find answers, diving into places that no one else would dare tread. Petra knew that she would be much too sheepish to do anything in the nature of Hange's studies; the acts of duty towards humanity were dutifully noted within the kindhearted soldier's mind.

There was a motion that caught Petra's attention yet again, causing her to avert her eyes from the spot that she was fixated upon, watching as Hange's cloak revealed a few items that caused a strong emotion in the girl's stomach. She wanted to lean over and purge up anything that was in her system - seeing those always made it that much more real.. These people were alive at the beginning of the day, but now they were gone. Sometimes, she truly felt like she was bothered by all of this so much more than the rest of her team, but she hoped that wasn't the case - she liked to believe that she was simply more keen to wearing her emotions on the cuff of her jacket rather than keeping them concealed like men were so prone to doing.

The words spoken to her hit her directly in the core. Shakily, Petra reached out and grabbed one of the armbands, feeling the material between her fingers. The wings of freedom were slightly stained with drops of red, but they were still so prominent, so alive... How was it that this person was gone? The name that was in the form of an encryption was so real to her sense of touch that it was was almost otherworldly that this person wasn't here any longer. She felt as though she needed to go rightfully return to this to a confused soldier, wondering where their band had gone. She didn't even notice that her eyes had been welling, one of the salty droplets falling down her right cheek. Her nose sniffled in response to her realization, the back of her wrist reaching up to wipe the lachrymal essence away.

"You're right." Another one of Petra's melancholy smiles appeared to adorn her facial features - she was told in the very beginning that this would get easier, as she would get used to it, but she guessed those words came from a soldier who had too much pride to admit what they really felt. "Captain Hange, do you think all of this is going to mean something one day? Are we... Really making a difference?" Where was all of this coming from? Petra was never one for doubting the cause like this, but perhaps it was nice to have some words of confirmation from someone who understood all of this much more than herself.

Perhaps she just needed to hear it from someone other than herself. Convincing one's own self can only go so far.

[Hange Zoë]

I took a journey to the unknown. And i came back changed. i can feel it in my bones. = HANGE ZOË =

Although Hange had been expecting to elicit a reaction by unveiling the armbands of the lost soldiers, perhaps it was not the sort of response that she was hoping for. Though, what had she been imagining, exactly? Far too many of the other soldiers kept their emotions bottled up inside, too proud or too terrified to reveal even the smallest gaps in their armor in the event that it made them look unfit for the station they found themselves in. Everyone sheltered some fraction of their damaged self, a kernel of themselves that had become so eroded that only they could ever hope to understand. It was true that even she was guilty in mistrusting others on that front; confiding in only herself when it came to her darkest and most personal memories. But, trust Petra to be different from the others. Her boldness in displaying her own humanity actually startled Hange for all of the right reasons. It resonated with a vestigial part of herself; like sweeping a thick layer of dust off of an old surface. It stimulated her, as she had almost forgotten what such openness could actually feel like. There was no sympathy for the forthcoming girl as she witnessed her wipe away her tears. Instead, she looked upon her with impassioned empathy lacing the contours of her face. A true, heartfelt, understanding of how her insubordinate felt in that instance in time. It seemed like a lifetime ago, but she had been there in her shoes. How did she overcome it? How could anyone ever hope to escape the gnawing guilt that came with each death of a teammate? Of a friend? This world was relentlessly cruel, and experience showed her that one had to find something that called out to them despite all of that callousness if they were going to cope. For her, it was her research—that unshakeable belief that there were answers to be had from these monsters that ruled over them. Silently she wondered what, if anything, called to Petra the same way her theories did for her. "Captain Hange, do you think all of this is going to mean something one day? Are we... Really making a difference?" The question was a profound one and the scientist reflected on it silently, allowing those words to dangle in the air before her as she turned them over carefully in that shrewd mind of hers. In the past one hundred years, has the Scout Regiment really found anything of significance? That was why society looked down on them, because they concentrated far too heavily on their failures to ever hope to see the goodness behind their intentions. Perhaps it was pride. Perhaps she had something to prove. Perhaps she was just batty. But Hange honestly believed beyond a shadow of a doubt that the regiment was the only hope that humanity had at its fingertips. No matter how poorly utilized, they were the only ones willing to do the unthinkable. The only ones who would dare lift a finger if it meant that people could live outside the Walls again someday. “Does what I believe truly matter?” She mused, the question almost sounding like something Levi might’ve retorted. A typical response from one of the officers. But, unlike them, she said it with a most enigmatic smile before she gave her real answer: “I believe we can only work with what we have available to us, which has never been much. We only have each other to believe in, no one else. Not even those within the Walls. We’re the only ones who know what we accomplish out here, and so it is only us who can determine the worth of our actions.” It was impossible to ignore the hunger in her eyes as she spoke of their regiment, the dignity that she felt course through her when she thought of their future, no matter how bleak it may appear to be. She could be told that she would perish with her squad today and that spark would not be extinguished, “Is this all going to mean something one day? Are we making a difference? If it means that we will offer ourselves so that our families may have the chance to no longer live in fear, then absolutely we are making a difference. I cannot see the horizon, I do not know if there even is one or if we will be successful in the end. But, hope is the only thing we can hold onto. I would much rather be fighting for freedom than maintained, troubled peace within the Walls. That is no way for us to live.” Hange had a tendency to ramble… sometimes even to talk in circles when her emotions flared. It was the way her fragmented brain operated, mashing pieces of puzzles together until they fit just right. When she realized she was doing just that in Petra’s presence, she gave a soft chuckle, placing her hands on her hips. Her squad was used to her quirks, but she was not sure how another might respond to it. Nevertheless, that did not stop her as she kept her casual energy about her, “What do you believe, Petra? You can tell me truthfully.” ( TAGGED » Petra Ral //  )

CREATED BY SEADRA OF WICKED WONDERLAND